The familiar opening sequence rolls...

Bill France, Bruton Smith and Roger Penske are in a conference room surrounded by huge computers.

Bill: Gentlemen, between the three of us we own the majority of the tracks that NASCAR competes on. Now I know we've had our differences in the past, but now we've agreed to join forces to build a new speedway.

Bruton: Not just any speedway. This is going to be a huge ass motor speedway big enough to hold 400,000 drunk rednecks, I mean race fans.

Roger: And with these supercomputers and hundreds of researchers we've used to conduct our study we've found the perfect location for this track, correct, Mr. France?

Bill: That's right. Our new huge ass motor speedway will be built in:

The scene shifts to the familiar South Park welcome sign and the little town. The camera then pans to the left to show the new South Park Huge Ass Motor Speedway, which is bigger than the entire town. The mayor and Officer Barbrady stand in the shadow of the huge racetrack.

Mayor: Just think of it, Barbrady. 400,000 drunk rednecks, I mean race fans, here in our little town.

Barbrady: This is very exciting, Mayor!

Mayor: This could really put South Park on the map. Now, Barbrady, with everyone coming in for the race, are you sure you can handle traffic control by yourself?

Barbrady: Oh, no problem, Your Honor. I've directed the traffic at Cow Days for years, I can handle this.

The outside of South Park Elementary is shown. The scene changes to Mr. Garrison's classroom. Garrison rushes into the room holding a piece of paper.

Mr. Garrison: Children, children, I've just got some exciting news!

Cartman: What, Mr. Hat is leaving you for Peyton Manning?

(The entire class laughs)

Mr. Garrison: Eric, you shut up! Now, class, as you all know, this week is the inaugural Cheesy Poofs 469 at the new South Park Huge Ass Motor Speedway. Isn't that right, Mr. Hat? –throws his voice- That's right, Mr. Garrison! NASCAR is coming to South Park!

Kyle: What's NASCAR?

Stan: Dude, you don't know?

Cartman: Naw, Jews don't follow NASCAR. Only drunk rednecks are fans of that stuff.

Wendy: That's not true!

Cartman: Oh, yeah? Kenny's parents are NASCAR fans, right, Kenny?

Wendy: NASCAR is the fastest growing sport in the country! 400,000 race fans are coming to South Park for the race!

Cartman: Yeah, 400,000 drunk rednecks.

Mr. Garrison: Eric, that's about enough! Now, children, our class has been selected to help out during race weekend! Isn't that exciting?

The class is completely silent. Someone's pencil drops.

Mr. Garrison: And some of you will get to dress up like one of the race drivers and accompany them through the pre-race festivities!

The class is still silent. Clyde coughs.

Mr. Garrison: -sighs- It means you get out of school for two days.

The class erupts into cheers.

Mr. Garrison: Now that's more like it, children. Now to help us get ready, Mr. Hat is going to teach you about the history of NASCAR. –throws voice and starts writing on the chalkboard- NASCAR was founded by Teddy Roosevelt in 1878. Of course there were no cars back then so the first races consisted of pioneers racing their covered wagons against the Indians...

Stan: Dude, this is gonna be sweet, hanging out at the race track instead of sitting in class!

Clyde: Yeah, I wonder which drivers we'll be dressing up as!

Stan: Well, I want to dress up like Rusty Wallace! He kicks ass!

Kyle: I still don't know who any of the drivers are. I guess I'll pick one somehow.

Cartman: There's no point, Kyle, I told you there aren't any Jews in NASCAR!

Kyle: Shut up, fatass!

Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm aerodynamically rounded.

Kenny: Mmph rmmf mmr rmpl mmr mf!

Stan: Eww, sick, Kenny!

Mr. Garrison: Boys, are you paying attention?

Stan: Uh, yes, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison: Then would you like to tell me what I just said?

Stan: Um... you said that Clark Gable won the first Daytona 500 in a photo finish over Jimmy Stewart.

Mr. Garrison: Oh, well, I guess you were paying attention. Now on to NASCAR in the 1960's, where JFK defeated Fidel Castro for the Grand National Championship during the Cuban missile crisis...

Wendy: Stan, maybe I can be one of the trophy girls. Then if Rusty Wallace wins the race, I can kiss you in victory lane!

Cartman: Uh, try not to throw up in the winner's trophy, Stan.

Kyle's house that evening...

Kyle's mom: Oh, my little buby, this is so exciting you getting to work at the race! I even bought a racing outfit for your little brother to wear.

Ike bounces into the room wearing a Jeff Gordon suit.

Kyle: Whoa, dude, you guys are coming to the race?

Kyle's dad: Sure, we're going with Eric's mom and Stan and Kenny's parents! We wouldn't miss this for the world!

There's a knock at the door. Kyle answers it and it's Stan.

Stan: Dude, I got our outfits for the race! I get to dress up like Rusty!

Stan holds up his Miller Lite uniform.

Kyle: Kick ass, dude! Who did you get for me?

Stan: I got you this Hot Wheels outfit. Some guy named Petty drives that car, I don't remember his first name though.

Kyle's mom: Kyle!

Stan: No, I don't think that's it.

Kyle: Yeah, mom?

Kyle's mom: I want you to take your little brother Ike with you tomorrow so maybe he can get to meet Jeff Gordon.

Ike: Ah dodo nerb.

Kyle: Oh, weak, dude.

Stan: Yeah, Jeff Gordon sucks ass.

Kyle's mom: Whatwhatwhat?!? Jeff Gordon is a great role model for the youth of America.

Stan: Yeah, he teaches kids how to act like a complete wuss.

Kyle: Really? He sounds like a total retard.

Kyle's mom: That's enough, boys. Now you two run along.

Stan and Kyle leave Kyle's house.

Kyle: (muttering) Look out for your little brother, Kyle. Take him with you to the race, Kyle. Brush and floss, Kyle. Where has that finger been, Kyle!

Stan: What?

Kyle: Oh, nothing. So what's the matter with this Jeff Gordon guy? Does he not know how to drive?

Stan: Oh, no, he can drive, he's won like three of the last four championships and forty-something races.

Kyle: Then why don't you like him?

Stan: I don't know, it's just against the law to pull for him or something.

Kyle: Oh.

Stan: C'mon, dude, let's go over to Cartman's and see who he's gonna dress up as.

Cartman's house

Mrs. Cartman: Now, hon, Mommy needs you to sit here and watch television and not disturb her upstairs, she has someone, I mean, something very important to do. To get you in the mood for the race this weekend I ordered you a racing movie on pay-per-view and made you a nice Southern fried chicken pot pie!

Mrs. Cartman sets a huge pot pie overlapping the edges of a TV tray in front of her son.

Mrs. Cartman: Would you like some Cheesy Poofs with your pot pie?

Mrs. Cartman: Here you go, hon. Now remember, hon, don't disturb Mommy for...

Cartman: Goddammit, Mom, get outta the way, the movie's starting!

Mrs. Cartman leaves the room and Cartman watches the movie.

TV Announcer: And now back to Days of Thunder II starring Terrance and Phillip!

(Phillip sits inside a race car in the pits and Terrance is standing beside it wearing a crew chief's headset.)

Phillip: Oh, Terrance, I seem to have run out of fuel. Could you put some gas in my car?

Kitty hisses and leaves the room as there is a knock at the door.

Cartman opens the door to find Stan and Kyle.

Stan: Hey, Cartman, we...

Cartman: Shut up and get in here, the Terrance and Philip movie is on!

Kyle: Kick ass!

Stan and Kyle sit on the floor while Cartman continues to eat his pot pie. The clock on the wall shows 8:05. Then it changes to 8:30 and Cartman is still eating. At 9:15 he's STILL eating. Then at 9:55 the movie is ending, the pot pie is gone and Cartman looks sick. The camera cuts back to the TV screen where Terrance, Philip and Ken Squier are standing in victory lane.

Ken Squier: Terrance and Phillip, you've just won the Daytona 500! What do you have to say to all your fans?

Kyle: Dude, that was one sweet movie!

Stan: Yeah, it was much better than that sucky Tom Cruise one. Don't you think so, Cartman?

Kyle: So, Cartman, which driver are you gonna dress up as?

Stan: Oh, forget it, Kyle, fatass is too stuffed to talk. Let's go.

Stan and Kyle leave while Cartman is groaning on the couch. The scene shifts upstairs showing Mrs. Cartman in bed.

Mrs. Cartman: Hmm, I wonder what all that moaning is.

The camera angle widens to show Bill France in the bed.

Bill: I don't know what that is, but I sure know what that moaning a few minutes ago was.

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, you silly. So, now, as per our agreement, my little boy Eric gets to dress as Dale Earnhardt, right, Mr. NASCAR president?

Bill: Sure, I've got his outfit right here. (holds up a Goodwrench uniform)

Mrs. Cartman: Hmm, I may have to let this out a bit for my little tubby-wubby.

Bill: I know something else you can let out.

Mrs. Cartman: Oh you...

They start to kiss again as the scene fades out...

The next morning Stan, Kyle, Ike, and Cartman are in the pits at the speedway dressed in the uniforms of Rusty Wallace, Kyle Petty, Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt. Ike hops away from Kyle, climbs into a tire and rolls away.

Kyle: Dammit, Ike! (runs off after him)

Stan: Dude, I wonder where Kenny is?

Cartman: He probably had to go wait in line for food stamps.

Kenny walks up in a Square D uniform with the number 81 on his hood crossed out and a 55 beside it.

Kenny: Mmff rmhpl, mffr mph rmf?

Cartman: Why are you dressed up as Kenny Wallace? He sucks ass.

Kenny: Mph fmr mphrm, mrpfl mrmmr!

Stan: Because you could get his uniform from last year cheap and just change the number?

Kenny smacks Cartman upside his head.

The scene shifts to a heated discussion between Bill France, Roger Penske, Bruton Smith, Mr. Garrison, and the mayor.

Bill: Mayor, what is going on? None of the drivers have shown up yet! We've got 400,000 drunk rednecks, I mean race fans, coming in and nobody to drive in this race!

Mayor: I don't know what could have happened, but I assure you it's not the fault of anybody from our little town!

The scene shifts outside the track to show the mother of all traffic jams. Cars are smashed together and traffic is backed up all the way to Denver. Officer Barbrady stands alone in the middle of thousands of cars.

The scene shifts back to the pits.

Mr. Garrison: Well, this situation has gotten tighter than a girdle on a middle aged schoolteacher with a puppet... (looks at Mr. Hat) I mean on a 400-pound ballerina.

Bruton: If we don't have a race, these people are going to riot! They'll destroy the racetrack and your little town!

Mayor: Oh no, we can't have that! Our budget only allows for the town to be destroyed three times in any fiscal year!

She flashes back to scenes from "Mecha-Streisand" where the town is being destroyed, the giant snake firework from "Summer Sucks" knocking over buildings, and the town being covered in sewage during the film festival in "Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls".

Roger: Huh?

Bill: Never mind! We've got to put on some kind of a race!

Meanwhile, Ike has rolled his tire over to pit road where several cars are sitting waiting to qualify. Kyle catches up to him and tips the tire over. Ike dizzily hops out. Stan, Kenny and Cartman catch up to them.

Kyle: Dammit, Ike, why do I always have to chase after you? You keep getting me in trouble!

Cartman: Yeah, Ike! If you were my little brother and you were pissing me off like that, I'd be like, "Hey! I'm gonna kick you squah in the nuts!"

Kyle: Goddammit, Cartman! You're not gonna kick my little brother!

Cartman: Then you do it!

Kyle kicks Ike and he flies through the air and goes right through the window of Jeff Gordon's car.

Stan: Dude, that kicked ass! Look at him, he looks just like wonder-weenie in that car.

Cartman: Yeah, come on, Ike! Take that car out and see what it'll do!

Kyle: Dude, he's two years old! He can't drive a race car!

As soon as Kyle finishes his sentence, Ike flips the ignition switch and the 24 car roars to life.

Ike: Vroom vroom.

The adults discussing the race situation notice the uproar on pit road.

Bill: What? Who's in that car?

Ike, playing around in the car, grabs the gearshift and puts the car into drive. He finds a can of Pepsi and knocks it to the floorboard, where it hits the gas pedal and jams it to the floor. The car takes off at full speed down pit road.

Kyle: Noooooo! My parents are gonna kill me!

Kyle covers his eyes. The scene cuts to the grandstand where Kyle and Ike's parents are drunk out of their senses along with Stan's parents, Kenny's parents and Mrs. Cartman.

Mrs. Cartman: Ooh, I haven't been so tipsy since the Drunken Barn Dance almost 9 years ago!

Mr. Marsh, Mr. Broflovski and Mr. McCormick remember the dance and throw up.

Kyle's dad: Hey Sheila, I wonder what our kids are doing now?

Kyle's mom: Oh, I'm sure they're safe and Kyle's taking good care of Ike.

The 24 car with Ike at the wheel rockets around the track at top speed. All the parents--and everyone else in the grandstands--are too drunk to notice there's a 2-year-old in the car. Benny Parsons' voice comes over the public address system.

Benny: And after a delay, it looks like Bud Pole Qualifying is under way here at South Park Huge Ass Motor Speedway. First on the track is Jeff Gordon in car 24.

Kyle: Ike's gonna kill himself!

Stan: No, dude, look! He's driving it and he's doing good!

Sure enough, Ike somehow has the 24 car under control and finishes his lap. The Pepsi can then gets dislodged from the throttle and the car coasts to a stop on pit road. The fans in the stands cheer, still unaware Ike was driving the car.

Benny: And we have a new track record! The 24 team wins the pole! Granted, nobody else took a qualifying lap today, but still it's unbelievable!

The kids and adults in the pits run over to the car as Ike hops out as if nothing happened.

Kyle: Ike, are you okay?

Bruton: You mean a toddler was able to drive that car?

Bill: Sure, with its traction control device anybody can...

Roger: Huh?

Bill: Oh, never mind.

Mayor: Well, at least he was able to keep the fans calm by going out there and running a qualifying lap.

Mr. Garrison: Yeah, but what about the race? Is he gonna drive that by himself too?

Kyle: Uh, I don't think Ike really meant to...

Bill: Wait a minute! Now, since he's wearing a DuPont uniform and drove the car, all the fans were too drunk to notice it wasn't really Jeff Gordon driving...

Bill, Bruton, and Roger look at the kids in their drivers' look-alike uniforms.

Bruton: You can't mean...

Bill: Yes! You kids are going to drive in the race!

Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny stand there shocked.

The scene shifts to outside the track, where the traffic jam is worse than ever and cars are parked on every available spot of land throughout the town and the outskirts. Helicopters and planes are circling unable to land and have to return to Denver. At the track entrance, some fans are making their way in and Mr. Mackey is working as a volunteer.

Nobody pays a bit of attention to him and the crowd pushes its way into the track. The scene shifts to the pits where Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Ike are being forced into the #2, #44, #3, #55, and #24 cars. Bill France is putting Kyle into the #44.

Kyle: You're not seriously going to run a race with only 5 cars, are you?

Bill: Oh, no, we'd never do that. The crowd would riot if there were only 5 cars.

Kyle: Whew.

Bill: Yeah, your teacher found another kid so we're gonna run 6 cars.

Kyle: What?

Mr. Garrison walks up dragging Clyde, who is dressed in a McDonald's uniform.

Mr. Garrison: Now, Clyde, Mr. Hat and I have explained it to you, you're the only other kid who made it here through the traffic jam and we need you to drive.

Clyde: But I don't know how to drive.

Mr. Garrison: Oh, that doesn't matter, it's not like Bill Elliott ever runs worth a flip anymore.

Mr. Garrison stuffs Clyde into the #94 car as Bruton Smith tries to help Cartman into the #3 car.

Bruton: That's the spirit, kid, you're even starting to act like Dale Earnhardt!

Cartman: Really?

Bruton: Yeah, you should be able to fool all the drunk rednecks, I mean Earnhardt fans. Just talk short to anybody who tries to interview you and treat the fans like crap.

Cartman: Cool, I can do that.

Bruton: And it'd help if when the race starts you try to wreck every other car out there.

Meanwhile, Roger Penske is buckling Stan into the #2 car.

Roger: Not to put any more pressure on you, kid, but I own this car and if you wreck it I'll have no choice but to kick your ass.

Roger: Oh, and your girlfriend wanted to wish you luck.

Stan: Huh?

Wendy comes up dressed in a Miss Winston outfit.

Stan looks nauseous.

Wendy: So if you win the race I can kiss you in victory lane! Won't that be great?

Stan looks even sicker.

Wendy: Well, I've gotta run, bye Stan!

Kenny is struggling to climb into the #55 car with nobody to help him. All the adults fail to notice he's not in his car as they gather at the start-finish line to begin the race.

Bill: Ladies and gentlemen, it's just about time for the inaugural Cheesy Poofs 469 here at South Park Huge Ass Motor Speedway! And now, here to sing the national anthem and give the command to start engines is South Park's very own elementary school Chef!

Chef takes the microphone and begins to sing.

Bill: What the hell? That's not the national anthem!

Chef: Oh, sorry, I just saw those beautiful ladies in the front row over there...

Bruton: Oh, never mind, let's just start the race before the fans drink up all the beer!

Chef: Gentlemen, start your engines!

Kenny finally gets in the #55 car just as Chef's command to fire engines is given. Kenny doesn't even get his harness buckled but pulls out onto the track. Cartman in the #3 Goodwrench Chevy is starting last, taking Dale Earnhardt's past champion's provisional. Kenny, still trying to fasten his seat belts, starts the #55 Square D Chevy 5th on Cartman's inside. Clyde starts on the outside of the 2nd row in the #94 McDonald's Taurus and Kyle is to his inside in the #44 Hot Wheels Pontiac. The outside pole is Stan in the #2 Miller Lite Taurus and on the pole is Ike in the #24 DuPont Chevy, since he was the only one to take a qualifying lap and the rest of the cars are provisional starters. The fans, drunk out of their minds, don't seem to care that there are only 6 cars on the track. The green flag comes out and the race begins. Ike takes the lead and Kyle passes Stan for second as Stan is nervous.

Stan: Oh man, I don't feel so good.

Chef, about the only sober adult left in the place, is in the pits listening to a scanner.

Clyde also passes Stan, who finally settles into 4th as Kenny and Cartman got off to slow starts because Kenny was still trying to fasten his seat belts. Cartman's so fat that his weight bogged the car down at the start, but he begins to close in on 5th-place Kenny.

Cartman: Kenny, get out of my way!

Cartman bumps Kenny from behind. Kenny bounces around in his seat but holds onto the wheel and stays under control ahead of Cartman.

Kenny: Mmph mmf, frmm mrf rmphl!

Chef turns his scanner to the #55 team's frequency and hears Kenny.

Chef: That kind of filthy language sounds just like little Kenny...

Cartman bumps Kenny again as Chef turns to the #3 team's frequency.

Chef hears Cartman's comments on the scanner.

Chef: Oh my dear Lord! They put the children in these race cars! They're out of their minds! I've got to do something!

Chef runs to the #2 team's pits as Ike continues to lead with Kyle a few car lengths back in second, Clyde a second behind in third, Stan another two seconds back in fourth, and Kenny and Cartman a quarter of a lap behind still battling for position. They keep that position for the better part of 150 miles. Cartman keeps bumping Kenny every time he gets close, and Kenny finally gets loose in turn 4 as Cartman cuts to the inside.

Enraged, Kenny slams his car down into Cartman's and both cars spin. Cartman's car slams into the wall and comes to a stop blocking the pit road entrance. The unrestrained Kenny is thrown from his car and lands in the trioval grass as his car flips 12 times and bursts into flames. Kenny lies unmoving on the grass... then stands up unharmed. Cartman pounds on the steering wheel of his wrecked car.

Cartman gets out of his car. The pace car picks up the remaining 4-car field but the pits are closed since the wrecked #3 car is blocking the entrance. Ambulances come pick up Kenny and Cartman for the ride to the infield care center. The wreckage is cleared and the pits are opened just as Kenny emerges from the care center to find Dr. Jerry Punch waiting to interview him. Dozens of drunk fans from the infield look on.

Dr. Jerry: Well Kenny, you took a wild ride out there, what happened?

Kenny: Mmph frpmh frm, fmrmfmrfmpf hmpm fpmfm pfhp pfrhghf pfprt mgh.

Dr. Jerry: Thank you. Kenny Wallace, out of the Cheesy Poofs 469.

As the pits open and Ike, Stan, Kyle and Clyde come in, Kenny walks away and is stopped by a fan for an autograph. He signs it and the entire group of fans surrounds him as Cartman emerges from the care center in his Goodwrench uniform and sunglasses he got from the 3 car. The fans around Kenny don't see him yet. Bill France walks over to Cartman and Dr. Jerry.

Dr. Jerry: Boy, I bet you're gonna fine Kenny for using that kind of language on TV. But didn't he look a little shorter than usual?

Bill: Just play along and tell the people this kid is Earnhardt or I'll have you reassigned as the circuit's proctologist! You're on...

Dr. Jerry: And now, Dale Earnhardt, can I have a word with you about your accident?

Stan and Kyle pit right in front of where Kenny is signing autographs. Cartman walks away from Dr. Jerry Punch and is spotted by the group of drunk fans.

Drunk fan: LOOK, EVERYBODY, THERE'S DALE EARNHARDT!

The group of drunk fans runs after Cartman, knocking down Kenny and trampling him into a bloody pulp. From inside their cars in their pits, Stan and Kyle see Kenny's death.

Chef: Son, what are you doing in that race car?

Stan: The NASCAR people told us we had to race since the drivers couldn't get here due to the traffic jam or the fans would riot and tear the whole town apart!

Chef: Oh, Stan, race fans wouldn't hurt anybody!

Stan: Oh, no?

Stan points at Kenny's body, where rats are picking apart his carcass.

The pit stops are finished and as they exit pit road Ike keeps the lead, with Clyde narrowly beating Kyle out for second and Stan bringing up the rear. Chef gets a radio headset and is able to rig it to where he can talk to Stan and Kyle.

Chef: Alright, children, listen up. At least one of you has got to finish this race or South Park will be destroyed. Now I want you to drive your race car just like you're making sweet love to a beautiful woman. Be smooth and gentle, then just drive it on home.

Kyle: Okay...

Stan: Uh, whatever, dude.

The green flag comes out and Kyle passes Clyde for second. They run in that order for the next 300 miles, then Kyle catches up to Ike and moves to the outside. Ike looks over at Kyle and starts to swerve his car toward Kyle.

Kyle: No, Ike!

Ike runs Kyle into the wall, getting even for all the times Kyle played "Kick the Baby". Kyle limps the #44 car into the pits, out of the race. The fans boo and throw trash, pissed off at who they believe to be Jeff Gordon. Jimbo and Ned are seen in the grandstands.

Ned (through his voice synthesizer): Mmm, we should take him hunting sometime.

Under caution again, the three remaining cars pit and Chef runs to Stan's window.

Chef: Stan, the fans are irate at the 24 car! If he wins they're liable to tear South Park apart! It's all up to you!

Stan: Why me? Clyde's still out there too.

Chef: Oh, you know Clyde, he's just always kind of there, he never does anything. If anybody's gonna save South Park it's gotta be you!

Wendy runs up to the car.

Wendy: Stan, you can do it. I believe in you.

Chef: Concentrate! Be the car!

Stan fakes high and Clyde goes up to block, then Stan pulls to the inside and makes the pass for second with 5 laps to go. The crowd cheers the #2 car in unison. Ike has a big lead, but Stan steadily closes the gap and as the white flag waves is right on the #24 car's bumper. Stan tries the inside but Ike cuts him off, then the same happens as Stan looks to the outside. Chef, Wendy, and Kyle watch from the #2 team's pit and Cartman is watching the race on TV inside the #3 hauler. Coming into turn 3 Stan has one last chance...

Stan: As I believe Kyle would say... Kick the baby!

Kyle: Do it, Stan! Kick the baby!

The entire grandstand is chanting "Kick the baby! Kick the baby!" Stan nudges Ike's car from behind and Ike slides high as Stan takes the lead and Clyde takes second. The #2 car flashes under the checkered flag and Stan wins!

Stan: Kick ass!

Stan's friends in the pits jump up and down and head for victory lane. Cartman in the #3 hauler changes the channel to Marty's Movie Reviews. Some of the crowd begins to file out calmly as others stay to watch the post-race festivities. The mayor, Mr. Garrison, and the track dignitaries arrive in victory lane right as Stan pulls the 2 car to a stop among the adoring throng.

Mayor: Whew, the town is safe.

Bill: Yeah, and we'll never have to come to this po-dunk town again. Next year we're moving South Park's race date to North Wilkesboro.

Mayor: But what about all the millions of dollars you spent to build this track?

Bruton: Oh, we just sold the track to some scientist.

Mephesto and his little friend Kevin walk up.

Mephesto: That's right mayor, I finally have the land I need to expand my genetic engineering ranch and perfect my 9-assed monkey.

The mayor stands shocked as Stan climbs from his car. Dr. Jerry Punch comes to interview him.

Dr. Jerry: Rusty Wallace, a great win for you and the Miller Lite team. Tell us about it.

Stan: You know, I really learned something today. I learned that if you have friends who believe in you, you can do anything. And I also learned that the #2 Miller Lite/Harley Davidson/Mobil 1/Mead/Bosch/Kmart/Penske Ford Taurus kicks ass!

Dr. Jerry: There you have it, straight from the winner. And now here's Miss Winston for the trophy presentation.

Wendy comes over and gives Stan the race trophy. She puckers her lips to kiss Stan.

Wendy: Ewww!

Later, as some of the fans and teams have left the track, a helicopter lands and Kyle Petty, Rusty Wallace, Kenny Wallace, and Ken Schrader get out. Stan and Kyle (back in their usual clothes), Wendy, Chef, the Mayor, Mr. Garrison, Roger Penske, Bruton Smith and Bill France greet them as a crowd of fans begin to gather. Another helicopter lands several yards away.

Rusty: We finally were able to get here. (to Stan) So Roger tells me you won the race in my car, huh? Thanks.

Stan: Wow, you're welcome, man!

Bill: C'mon, guys, out of our way, we're outta here!

The real drivers sign some autographs for the fans as Bill, Bruton and Roger get in the helicopter and fly away from South Park as fast as they can. The other helicopter opens up and Dale Earnhardt emerges.

Drunk fan: LOOK EVERYBODY, THERE'S DALE EARNHARDT!

Rusty and Kyle Petty jump out of the way, but the mob runs after Dale, trampling K. Wallace and Schrader in the process.

Rusty: Oh my God, they killed Kenny and Kenny!

Kyle P.: You bastards!

Dale runs into his hauler to escape the mob and sees Cartman wearing his sunglasses and watching his TV.

Dale: Hey kid, get outta here and give me my sunglasses.

Cartman: Hell no, these are my sunglasses!

Dale: C'mon kid! Hand 'em over!

Dale: Huh?

Cartman kicks Dale in the nuts. Dale falls over.

Cartman: Heh heh, you wuss.

Cartman leaves the #3 trailer as the credits roll.

THE END